A Friend Goes Home

Today was weird.

I went to the orthopedist about my finger because it was swollen and I was concerned, but he was like "It looks great!  You can take off the splint now!"  Of course the problem before had been that I couldn't straighten it, but now because of the splint I was wearing, I can't bend it!  I walked to the PT center I'm so familiar with and made an appointment for hand therapy.  I was annoyed because I had to put in all my information again, as if I hadn't already been a patient there.  It took so long.

Then I was going to visit Nana who is in the hospital again and had surgery yesterday.  Then I was going to see if Heather's mom wanted a visit (I'd heard she was in the hospital with pneumonia.)  On my way to see Nana, I ran into some friends.  I was like "Hey!  Are you here to visit Sue?"  And they said, "Amber, Sue died this morning."

Shock is really the only thing I felt.  She's had all kinds of cancer and multiple autoimmune diseases, yet she's always pulled through.  And she was always over at Heather's house helping out even when I knew she felt terrible.  So when I heard she was in the hospital with pneumonia it just seemed like all the other times when she's gotten so sick she's almost died.  She was sixty years old. 

So I ran to where the family was.  I know I didn't have to run but I couldn't handle my own shock.  I sat with Heather, read to Zari, just really sat because other people were taking care of things like food and planning a meal for the family that evening and there wasn't anything I could do.  They were willing to let me see Sue's body and say goodbye.  I had many intimate conversations with Sue over the last few years.

Kathy was expecting me to meet them to see Nana because I'd already asked if I could come visit after my appointment.  Heather told me it was okay for me to tell Kathy so I went upstairs and told her.  We went down together, not much to do...stand around talking with other people who are close to the family, not knowing how to help...occasionally bursting into tears ourselves.  The family left and we went back upstairs.  I spent a few moments with Nana and then Mom and I decided to go out to lunch.

And then...the rest of the day happened, I guess.  I took a long, hard nap.  Now I'm making soup and watching Survivor and posting at the same time...I have dealt with so little death in my life.  And now I'm at a loss for comforting...all I can do is sit and cry and sometimes grieving people need that company and sometimes they just need people to stop asking "how can I help" and just have some alone time.

Anyway.  I'm a little muddled in the head right now.  I'm fine, just muddled!