late night post on a serious note

wow its late.  I don't know really why I am up.  I was so tired today.  I had a very rough day with Shea.  I lost it a couple of times.  Please don't paint a pretty picture of me as this laid back mom who is always kind and gentle and perfectly loving.  I so am not.  I have a picture in my head of who I would like to be and how I would like to respond in every situation, but evidently positive thinking alone does not change how I act.

Growing up, my parents yelled a lot.  I mean, a lot.  I haven't ever really considered myself an "abused" child.  Sure, I got spanked a few times when I was little, but normally all my dad had to do was look at me and I would burst out in tears of remorse.  I usually felt pretty guilty and tried not to disobey, or I tried to lie my way out of things (yuck).  Yelling made me cry no matter who was in trouble or who was yelling.  I just hate it.  It feels so unnecessary and hurtful.  I had a childhood best friend and I used to go to her house almost every other day.  Her mom never yelled at them when they were in trouble.  I looked up to her so much and felt so happy in their home.  I think she knew, because I tried to invite myself over all the time and she usually let me come over.

So I have always, always pictured myself as a mom never yelling.

Jeremy and I never yell at each other.  We really don't argue.  People never believe me when I say this, but it s true.  If there is one thing that God knew I needed in a husband, it was one who doesn't have a quick temper and never raises his voice at me.  We talk things through and usually come to a similar conclusion anyway.  We may disagree on things occasionally, but its usually stupid things like his chewing is unusually loud and I point it out and he gets upset with me.  And I'm not necessarily all that nice about it, even though in my head I think I am being very polite.  But who likes to be told that their chewing is annoying? I know.  Its just something that I let get under my skin.  Usually when I am stressed out.  Anyway.  We never have big crazy fights though.  I remember hearing my parents fight and yell all the time.  I would lie in bed crying into my pillow and wait and wish and pray that it would stop.  I don't know how many times I played out in my head my parents getting divorced and how I would react when they did.

Before I moved out of my parents home when I was 17-19, I used to yell occasionally.  Mainly because my parents would just push me to my limit and they were yelling, so I would yell back.  Then I would run to my room and cry out of anger and frustration.  A lot of times I wouldn't even be able to respond to them during these arguments - I would just shell up and go cry.  I was actually always thankful for this response, because it meant that I hadn't fallen into their pattern of crazy reaction.  After I moved out, I felt a release from the stress of being at home and up until lately, I really, truly never yelled.  I had no reason to.  I still don't have a reason to, but I find myself doing it.

Even before Hailey was born and Shea was still Mr. I'm doing everything you tell me not to, I didn't find myself yelling.  I had so much more patience.  Lately, I have no patience for Shea.  I love him dearly...what a unique and strong boy he is!  But it has been hard for me to view his disobedience as an opportunity to parent (like I used to optimistically see it) and I see myself thinking raising my voice will some how push him into submission.  Really, I think it does the opposite.  He is starting to live for the reaction.  Which I have read far too many times in parenting books.

Part of it is that we stopped spanking.  Which has been good.  Because I would much rather yell out of anger  than hit out of anger.  But you know what?  It's not any better.  It's still threatening and damaging and I KNOW this from first-hand experience.  But when you are running on an empty tank and don't replace the former way of discipline with something else (oh I had plans, how did they dissolve?), I think many times we fall into the patterns of what we know - in this case, the way my parents parented me.

I apologize to my son every day for yelling at him.  At night when I tuck him in and randomly throughout the day (usually right after I hit my breaking point and lash out), I fall to my knees, hold him close, and beg for forgiveness and we pray.  He is so sweet and always says, "I forgive you, mommy." And then he will also usually apologize for whatever it is that he did that I was upset about.  I hate it because I know I can't take back those damaging words.  I can't repair his self-worth.  Trying harder is not working and expecting him to try harder to obey is not going to work either.  I know that I need to allow Christ to change and work in me and that my behavior is one of the biggest examples for my children, but it is SO HARD right now.I go to bed making plans for the next day, that it will be different, I'll do better...but I fail endlessly.  How is it that I know so much and yet can do so little about it?  I am beyond frustrated, girls.

I like to blame it on things like lack of sleep, a million things on my to-do list (always so much to get done!  I don't know how that is, since it seems like life has gotten so much more simple, but I do NOT know where my days go!), not having a moment to myself, etc...but its not like you get to go into work and not do your job because you are tired.  I constantly tell Shea that being tired is not an excuse to be rude or disobedient. Sure, a nap would help make it easier, but it is not a valid excuse for being unpleasant.

The verse that has been stuck in my head since right after Christmas time is, "Let your gentleness be evident to all", which is in Philipians somewhere.  All I can think is that my children are included in that and I need my gentleness and grace to be evident to them, even when no one else is looking.  It is very easy to be calm and collected at play dates and when other moms are watching, but at home?  I can be so ugly.

Sorry this is so serious and probably very ramble-y.  I am just feeling very much like a failure and need some encouragement and prayers.  I can't do this on my own.  I especially hate to see my husband see me like this.  I know this is not who I am or who I am called to be.  Sometimes it starts almost 5 minutes into my day when my son is too wild in the morning.  So, I am going to try.  I am going to try to set aside some time to focus my day.  Even if it is only 5 or 10 minutes.  We go for our walk every morning, and I do enjoy it, but lately I have been so oriented on just checking it off my "to do" list.  I need to slow and stop and enjoy things.  Enjoy my children.  Enjoy our conversations.  Enjoy our life.  I do.  I do, I do, I do.  But there is a wall I have allowed to creep up that is getting in the way, and I need it to be broken down.  I need to choose  joy.

Hum.

on a happier note, here are the pictures of my garden that I never posted.  Actually, this is only half of my garden.  I have two beds you can't see which don't have much TO see in them right now.  Maybe once my sunflowers and wildflowers pop up...IF they pop up...I'll take a picture.  Behind the fence is our rose garden (which in the fall, we are hoping to move and either use that fenced in areas for CHICKENS!  Or we might move the fence and make a larger garden and have chickens somewhere else.  Oh yes, and goats.  But that post is for another day.)

my hanging herb garden - still have some more to add. 

this box has zuchinni and carrots planted from seed, and those weird looking hills are my squash and pumpkins.  I want to do them a bit differently next year, this is just how Jeremy and his mom did it for me, so I didn't argue.

this first box has most of my plants that are already started.  we will see how they do!

Also, the other day I picked up some workbooks for Shea at the dollar store.  Our new morning routine is that after breakfast, we go for our walk with Kaia (sometimes we stop at the beach and let her play fetch and run around for a bit), then we come home and Hailey takes her nap.  While she naps, Shea and I go through his workbooks together.  We do two math pages (working on addition right now), a spelling page, and work on some phonics.  Supposedly these books are 1st grade, and he is catching on pretty well.  He earns either a show or playing a board game or something like that if he finishes his work, but we have fun doing it.  Having a rhythm in our day has been helping.  I think I just need to figure one out for the rest of the day so that he has more structure.  It will reduce a lot of the problems we've been having, I think.

Hailey has started taking steps on her own!  I know it will be any day that she starts walking across the room.  She is such a funny girl now, too!  It has been a joy to see her personality come out more and more.  I can't believe her birthday is less than a month away!  We aren't doing a really big party, which is how I like it.  There is just too much going on around July 4th and her other cousin is having his 2nd birthday party right before hers, so family will be out for it.  But we're having my family out and some of Jeremy's will probably stop by for cake.  Its nice to not have to worry about a party!  But I am planning on making her a watermelon themed cake and a few fun decorations (for pictures sake).

Thank you girls for letting me be so transparent with you!  There aren't many people I think I could share these dark, dirty secrets with and know I am safe to do so.  I am pretty good at displaying the pretty parts of my life and not mentioning the hidden areas that only my family sees, but I know in my heart that change comes when light is shone on these places and they are revealed for what they are.  Even if I hate to admit it.

I feel a lot better just writing it all out.

Good night!