Hello dear friends. It is late and I should be going to bed, but after catching up on some old posts and reading Becca's late night honesty post, I realized that I should post while I feel like being honest.
sigh. where do I begin? About a month ago I went through a pretty dark time. I have often struggled with self-worth and not feeling valued by others. I found that teaching has really brought that out. Having a group of students forming their opinion of me as a teacher, has been tough. I know that I do a good job, and I know that students like me as a teacher because they always tell me, but I just couldn't believe it for myself. Anyways, to cut to the quick, this insecurity along with stress was not a good mix. I would be pleasant and upbeat for my students, but I would come home and be a complete ass to Justin. It was not a happy time for a few weeks. But things started to change, I had a significant conversation with Justin one night. I was telling him how after everything I still thought I was a bad teacher, and Justin spoke some words that hit me right at my core. He said; "That is not who you are." It woke me up and immediately I realized that my thoughts were a complete lie and God made me to be way more than that. I also had a great talk with my mom and she encouraged me by telling me how she always prays for me. Since then, things really changed in my attitude. I feel like I'm finally comfortable in class and able to think positively about myself (for the most part, I think it will always be a struggle of mine).
I am still extremely busy. I commute one hour each way to work, sometimes it takes longer if I miss my train or the subway is delayed. I've gotten really good at the 'train dash' I leave work as soon as possible to make it down to the train station. Today I made the earlier train with 2 minutes to spare. If i missed it, it would mean getting home at 7 pm vs 6:30 pm. It really makes a difference at the end of the day!
I still love work. I really love my students. I just want to talk to them and hang out with them all the time. I have students from Brazil, South Korea, Japan, Mexico and Saudi Arabia. They always make me laugh a lot, some of them are really hilarious. Sometimes I find that there's all this crazy energy around me because I"m constantly surrounded by people all day and sometimes I feel like I'm attacked by a million questions about the most random things. This week I've had to explain the difference of the Present Perfect (I have lived in Toronto) and the Present Perfect Continuous (I have been living in Toronto). I think all the questions sometimes make me doubt what I know which can lead to self-doubt.
Anyways, tomorrow is test day and graduation day (This happens every Friday), it's a busy day full of paperwork and good byes and terrible time management.
I'm hoping to be more present in this blog. I have missed you guys!
What you say totally resonates - probably with all of us - who doesn't struggle with self worth? It seems we all fall back into wondering what others really think of us and if what we are doing is any good at all, EVEN when we are secure in the love and value God has placed on us, it is amazing that we still doubt. I can't imagine what it would be like if I didn't even Christ. And, how blessed you are to have a husband who KNOWS you and will speak the truth to you. I'm glad things have been going better and that you are enjoying your students so much! Good to hear from you :)
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