What is a gift?

This past week our family gave away something very dear to our hearts.  Our dear puppy, Kaia.  We gave her away intending to bless another family (with a sweet dog they have been looking for to take care of and love as part of their family), our family (with more time to focus on our high-energy children), and Kaia herself (she would receive better attention than we could provide, and in our minds, be much better off and happier).   But, how do you respond when a gift is not received the way you envisioned?   When gratitude is not displayed?  When you become the “enemy”?  The very nature of a gift is that it is given fully with no strings attached; you can’t pull it back when treated in a way you don’t like.  Although mutual appreciation and displayed gratitude is hoped for, you cannot demand it.  Once you demand certain behavior regarding a gift,  it is no longer a gift but becomes a burden instead.

I offered Kaia on a facebook group I am a part of titled, “Buy Nothing”.  The goal is not to just dump and exchange stuff, but to create a culture of giving to enhance community and enrich people’s lives and relationships.  This is the reason I put her on there instead of Craigslist.  I didn’t care about a “rehoming” fee or anything.  We were just overwhelmed, because we felt like we couldn’t take good enough care of Kaia.  I loved her being outside and exploring our 4 acres, but she was running off so much (never far, and always came back), it just took energy to keep an eye on her that I felt like I didn’t have.  And I hated cooping her up in the house or tying her on the dog run.  She actually was not the problem – she was an incredibly good and easy puppy.  We never had potty issues, I never really had to train her to not go in the house.  She was very obedient.  She was great with the kids.  No, the children were the hard part.  We had to come to terms with the fact that Shea is a high energy child (no duh) who needs a lot of attention, and as much as I loved our dog and as good as she was for our family, I have to put my family’s needs ahead of a dog.  And that made me feel like I needed to give her to a family who was in a place to give her more attention.

So, this woman posted wanting her.  They had been looking for a puppy to run around with their dog.  From what she said, it sounded like it was a trained dog from an academy for their disabled child.  So I figured they had lots of energy to train a puppy.  Also, their children are fairly mellow and they take their dogs everywhere with them, etc.  They are dog people.  She thought Kaia was beautiful.  She wanted to take it “slow”, meaning the two dogs meet.  Then her daughers meet her.  Then a weekend trial.  I answered a lot of questions.  We even had a dog rescuer helping guide our conversation to help us make a good decision.  I told her everything about Kaia I could think of and we had a lot of discussion about putting a dog up for adoption on the group and how she fit within the idea of a “gift”.

Well.  Her husband came with their dog from Bremerton (about a 45 minute drive) to meet Kaia.  I actually thought they weren’t taking her home that day, but I was ok with it for the trial sense he drove all the way out here.  The dogs got along fine and had fun, and I was convinced it would be good because she would be running around.  Although, their dog was just a puppy also, and even though she stated him as being whatever academy “trained”, he still had not graduated from the program.  Honestly, Kaia was a much better behaved dog than him.  Also, I learned that they have a small yard which is fenced, so at least I figure she can be outside playing more than here, because I can’t keep an eye on her…but still, she does pretty well roaming around in our woods and playing during the day normally.  So he takes her.  And I think, they will probably love her because she is a perfect little dog and we will never see her again, and I feel a little violated thinking that it would go slower than this, as they were “so concerned” with having a slow process to be sure of a good fit.  I don’t hear anything back after the first night, so I go ahead and message the lady.  She says “everything is great, she is a perfect fit.”  That’s it.  No thank you.  No anything.  No dog coming back.  No taking it slow.  And I think, “well, that’s a little bit of a shock, but its good…I’m sure she has found a good home.”

I am struggling right now.  Struggling to process some strong emotions.  Perhaps because I was in the middle of a process of grieving.  I thought I was doing pretty well.  I almost cried a little when I gave Kaia her final hug goodbye.  I almost cried when I woke up the next morning and there was no happy Kaia bounding to greet me.  I had a spike of sadness when I would walk outside and not hear her collar ringing, coming to see what I was up to and follow me around the yard.  I miss her.  But, at least I was fairly certain she would be better off.

Then I checked the woman’s facebook page.  Part of me wish I hadn’t.  I just wanted to see if she had posted anything about how things were going, since she wasn’t telling me anything.  Part of the Buy Nothing group’s goal is to make connections with people, so I was hoping to be able to still be connected with the family in some way, at least see pictures and stuff from time to time.

No.  I learned that they pretty much saw themselves as rescuing Kaia from us.  And my heart broke a little.  And I felt angry.  This is why I had to ask her how things were going.  To them, it was not an option to return Kaia to us, because we are dog abusers.  I knew part of the anger coming from me was me wanting to selfishly justify myself.  Part of it was self-condemnation as I wondered if we really were that bad of dog owners.  Part of it was wondering how I could possibly give her away to these people.

But a gift is a gift, and I have no control over whether they accept it with joy and gratitude or not.

The first status I saw the night they had her said this: “If you are unable to care for a soul and meet its needs properly then don't have it. So frustrated that there are people out there who hurt beautiful souls and dump them off on people when they can't handle it. I can say, however, thank you for realizing you are unable and giving these babes to someone who can. Trying not to be angry right now.

”

I am almost certain this must be about Kaia.  And I don’t think we DUMPED her.  She was given as a gift.  She asked for the gift.  I never forced them to take Kaia.  I never said we were going to get rid of her if not one took her.  We offered to see if there was a need Kaia could fill while having her needs met more fully.  I don’t think that can be called dumping her.

These were  from the following day:

The dogs are playing pee pee games, Kaia's tummy has adjusted pretty well, but she was obviously never "housebroken, and Weston is not yet neutered so he is marking where she pees. On top of all this I reinjured my foot. Hurting pretty bad now. But.., The house is spotless!

"Well we made it through the first night with Kaia. Not one issue! She is such a cute snuggle bug. We housed her in the downstairs bathroom with her comfy bed and she didn't make one peep all night (12-8.)  she had accidents overnight (bc of eating real food) but nothing a little bleach couldn't fix. After the tummy troubles subside she will share an xl kennel with Westie. They love each other.

With this comment:  Yep, the girls only get kenneled with the dog when they act up . she is a lab mix that we saved yesterday. 30lbs 7-10 mo old puppy who should weight about 50 lbs. was only ever fed lentils and rice and you can see every bone in her body. It was take her or call animal control. But she is super sweet, just needs to gain weight. Im constantly rescuing babes, furry and not so furry"

I guess homecooked organic meals with the appropriate portions (from what I understood) and added supplement is not real food?  I guess that kibble made from uncertain meats and sprayed with articial flavor made in a lab is considered “real”?  And because that causes her to vomit, it must mean that it is just her body that is bad and not the food?  Because Kaia is on the skinnier side (but otherwise looks healthy and doesn’t act like she has no energy at all) that means she has been mal-nourished and mistreated?  I’m sorry.  We did look at Kaia and wonder if she was too skinny.  I would flood her food bowl with half n half and give her lots of other food throughout the day.  I added as much protein to her food as I could with supplements and its not like I fed her vegetarian foods without researching it.  I know not everyone agrees with the whole vegetarian dog thing, but there are plenty of dogs who thrive on such a diet when given it properly.  And it could be I hadn't quite figured it out properly, I'm not above admitting that.  She was on kibble for a quite some time before I gradually switched her over and only because I came to believe it was beneficial for her health.  But now I wonder.  Maybe I was a bad owner.  No one else ever said anything to us before.  I took her in to the clinic several times, and no one said anything was odd about her size or look.  And she is only barely 7 months old.

 I guess that because she was never “house broken” we are terrible owners?  She never asked about that, and honestly, we never have had a problem.  We had ONE accident in the house.  That was it.  She obeyed when I let her out to go potty in the yard.  She always held it in our house.  She slept in our main living area (not closed up in a laundry room and then they are moving her into a kennel with the other dog) and I never worried about her chewing things or doing anythign she wasn’t supposed to,because she obediently stayed in her bed until I walked downstairs – she wouldn’t even get up if Shea came down first, she always waited for me.  I wanted her to be outside as much as possible in the summer, because she is a dog and I think it is healthy for her to be outside.  She can’t do much inside but sit around anyway.  Outside she hunted for bugs and snakes and ate berries.  She wandered through the woods and played with sticks.  She was a dream dog.  And we thought, “wow…this would be such a blessing to someone else to have this amazing puppy.”  And now I wonder if what I thought would be better off for her, is not really better off.  I think not having her is better off for us, because I can base my day around my children instead of the dog, but I honestly wish I had found someone closer who understood Indianola dogs (they have a certain lifestyle, I find that is different than other areas).  It is a good lesson to learn.  Peole are not always who they display themselves as online.  And, giving a true gift from the heart is not an easy thing to do.

Ok.  Sorry ladies.  I needed to process this.  What do you think?  Am I wrong?  I know I need to let this go. SO. Badly.  Writing is good for the soul at times.  Thanks for the outlet where I know I won’t be judged.  At least I know they are going to take care of her.  I just wish people wouldn’t be so quick to judge and criticize – this goes for me too.  I can understand their perspective, but the ingratitude and non-concern for us as people hurts, even though I don’t  know her and she probably doesn’t think I saw any of those posts.  It is a good reminder to me for when I don’t understand other people’s perspectives.  But both Jeremy and I have very heavy hearts today.  I was praying all night long trying to just let it go and move on.