Screw the whole good attitude thing

Can I go ahead and complain about my migraines?  Because I am miserable.  I'm getting them so often and missing so much work.  Let me tell you.

Monday:  Worked two hours before migraine symptoms hit.  Shaky, weathink, hot/cold sweats, can't walk in a straight line, confusion, can't talk right, can't concentrate.  Plus the weird headache and nausea.  And being in a fog and feeling like I'm dreaming, like nothing is really happening.  Went home.

Tuesday:  Migraine replaced by a regular severe headache!  I'm happy, because I can work through a regular headache.  If it's just pain I can handle it.  Plus, ibuprofen actually helps.

Wednesday:  General malaise, but no big complaints.  Took more breaks than I should have, and watched the clock until I had worked 8 hours precisely.

Thursday:  Worked four hours completely pain free for the first time in weeks!  Felt like a new person, or like my old person.  I had energy, I loved people, it was easy.  Then the migraine hit.  I could feel it coming and I almost had myself convinced it was all in my head, before I stood up and had to hold onto my desk for support.  I was so dizzy and couldn't focus on anything I had to call Joe to pick me up, I was afraid to drive.

Friday: Who knows?  I have a chiropractic appointment in the morning (my third one - my neurologist thought it might help; the chiro said that we'll know after a couple weeks whether my migraines can be improved with chiropractic care.)  Also, one of the executives I work for, the Chief Medical Officer - I was supposed to have a meeting with him today but he took one look at me and said "No, we'll do it later."  Then he asked me if the neurologist; had given me any meds for it - I said no, he had wanted to find out what was the problem, then treat the cause, not the symptoms.  The CMO was like "Come into my office...I need to talk to you."  He's a practicing MD.  He said he was really concerned that I was having to suffer like this, that I am so incapacitated I can't work or occasionally drive, that I'm in some kind of pain 95% of the time.  He's also concerned because the neurologist threw so much at me - he thinks I'm narcoleptic because he thinks I enter REM right upon falling asleep and wants me to have a sleep study; he wants me to get another MRI; he wants me to see an osteopath, plus the chiropractic and massage (don't mind if I do). 

Anyway, the CMO was amazing.  He was like "I want you to see a different neurologist right now, today if possible - I'm really concerned."  He called the office of a neurologist that he refers his patients to, and left a message for the doctor to call him back.  Then when I got home, while I was napping, I got a call from that doctor's office for a 1 PM appointment tomorrow!  And later the CMO called to make sure I had gotten the appointment.  He wasn't even on duty; not being paid to do this; and he used his MD prowess for his assistant so that I could get an appointment right away and get some meds.

I thought I was getting sinus headaches since they were only on the right side of my face but a sinus CT showed that it was fine.  So maybe that's migraine related, I don't know.

So many appointments, so many referrals, so many phone calls I have to make at work on my lunch break.  Deductible bills are starting to come in.  I made a new year's resolution to tackle my health but I didn't expect to open this can of worms.  When I saw the new neurologist he spent TWO HOURS asking me questions.  I said "My gosh, you spent two hours with me!"  He said "Well, you have a lot of issues."  Well, I thought I did, before he started adding diagnoses.

Everyone at work says "oh you're not feeling well, hope you don't get what's going around."  I am so tired of explaining.  If I say migraine, they say "it's stress."  Thanks for the diagnosis.  Now i don't have to listen to my neurologist and get a bunch of tests done!  You've cured me!  Or they say "just stop eating this/drinking that," or they say "could it be hormonal?"  One of my favorite coworkers asked if I was getting enough sex!   I finally told one woman, "I promise you, I just talked to an MD for two hours about this.  We went over everything you're talking about.  He specializes in migraines so I think he knows what questions to ask."  And what if it is hormonal, or something like that?  What are my coworkers going to do, refer me for labs??  People are just trying to be helpful I know, but after everything my DOCTOR told me to do, I can't follow the advice of my 80 coworkers plus friends plus family members telling me what I should do.  I'm the one with the headaches and migraines, so I think I have more reason than they do to pursue relief and find out my options.

And "stress?"  I don't feel stressed out.  I love my job.  And I feel like for the most part I handle stress better than most people at my workplace, and I step back when I need to.  But they say, "You're stressed and you don't even know it."  Fine then, what am I supposed to do?  What was the point of telling me that except to make me feel guilty about something I clearly can't change?

I've been dealing with this for several months of increasing frequency, but today was the most difficult day because I actually experienced a clear, pain free mind.  I got spoiled - I think I've gotten used to working through pain that I thought that was normal - and now I'm just so sorry for myself like a spoiled baby.

I have such an understanding boss though.  She's amazing.  She knows that I will work hard whenever I am absolutely able to; that if I say I have to go home it's not for laziness.  I came home today, slept four hours, came down for a scrumptious Valentines dinner that Joe made, then went back to bed for two more hours laying in the dark with a blanket over my face, shivering because I couldn't get warm.  The migraine has finally started to lift, which is why I'm even writing this, and then finally I was able to get warm.  There is some crazy schitt going on with my nervous system.  The migraines are always slightly different with different weird symptoms.

I just downloaded some books onto my Nook and I'm going to read some before I go back to bed.  Joe has to drop me off at work tomorrow because my car is at work.  I'm holding fast to my "no TV, no games" and not regretting it at all, though I did dream I was playing Bloons and in my dream I suddenly remembered I wasn't supposed to and I jumped up and felt so guilty!

Speaking of dreams:  I dreamed that one of the cats threw up a spider that had purple feathered boas attached to its legs.  Wiggle ran under it, then went around with purple boas all around her.  Probably one of the weirdest dreams that I've been able to share coherently.