denial?

serious post!

I'm trying to figure out why the diagnosis hasn't really "hit me" like I've expected.  If I'm in denial, it's not intentional.  When I say "I have MS" I feel like I shouldn't say that.

Maybe it's because I have the ideal situation: only my legs are affected, and I have plenty of help and usually not too much pain.

But even the other day when I had an absolutely miserable day of testing, I'm still waiting to be hit with the reality of it.  Isn't that supposed to happen?

It still seems like something new and interesting.  everyone else is feeling bad for me so I don't have to.  It's like it's not happening to me.  Everything that happens, even if it's unpleasant, is new.  It inspires thought.  so I'm always wondering "Is this paranoia?  Is it the MS?  Is it stress exacerbating the MS?" but all these thoughts are without emotion.  I'm trying to have emotion but I can't.

I have an old friend from cottage group cleaning now...oh she is so perfect, just down to business, and her cute four year old daughter is here too.  I had her clean the bathrooms, scoop cat litter, clean the kitchen sink, and make us all lunch!  and Joe has the dishwasher and the washing machine running.

Oh can I just complain about the horrid day of testing I had on Thursday?  We were at the hospital in Seattle from 9 am to 4 pm.  Most of the tests are to establish a baseline for the high risk medication I'm starting December 6.  So if I have problems with it, they will know for sure whether it's the fault of the medication.  It can affect heart, eyes, skin, and lungs.

So first was a test for eye health.  I expected it to go pretty easily because I go to the eye doctor every year.  It was pretty miserable.  The numbing stuff was uncomfortable because I couldn't move my eyelids.  Of course they dilated my eyes which is never fun anyway, and they used a kind of MRI to take pictures of the inside of my eye and used this strobe light that was insanely bright.  And then the stuff they put in my eyes started coming out my nose and my MOUTH and made me gag so I ended up retching into a garbage can.  Also my eyes were stinging because they teared up from the numbing stuff and the stuff came out from the tears.

Then a blood test.  You all know I suck with needles but I always lay down, plus I had my friend Jenn who is my blood test partner, very soothing, plus she's a phlebotomist.  Well the technician sucked.  Blood tests don't hurt that much (it's really just the fact that there's a needle in me, even if I am not looking at it.)  But it HURT this time the whole time and I cried (embarrassing).  Jenn watched his technique and said he wasn't very skilled with the needle, which is why it hurt.

Next up was an EKG.  The technician kept apologizing for putting cold electrodes on me.  I was like "Um, this is the most pleasant thing that has happened to me today."

Then a lung test.  This guy was like "I'm your coach and I just want you to do the best you can" so I had to blow into this thing and blow in, blow out, hold my breath...and he was yelling at me the whole time saying that I wasn't blowing out all the air, or drawing in all the air I could, saying I could do better.  They could hear me in the waiting room, Jenn said!  And I was getting heady and dizzy from all the deep breathing.  Basically I failed the test, and he wouldn't believe that was the best I could do, so we had to reschedule because I had to get to the next appointment.

Then the spinal tap which I wasn't afraid of at all, because I told them when I made the appointment, that if they didn't sedate me I wouldn't be able to hold still.  I did nearly faint when they put the IV in...Seriously, I didn't watch them put it in, I didn't look at it at all, and I was fine until about five minutes later when the nurse was asking me some questions, then suddenly I felt all the blood drain!  The nurses were really concerned since they thought that if I was going to faint it would have been right after they put the IV in.  but Joe assured them this delayed response happens quite often.  I did get a nice "fall risk" bracelet and bright yellow booties.

I am SO glad I was sedated.  On my stomach, getting cold sterile solution painted onto my back, and everyone donning surgical masks = scary.  I was annoyed that I felt the numbing shots but they weren't bad.  I had to have a blood draw afterward but they got the lab to come down while I was still semi-conscious so I didn't really care.  The sedation was so light that I didn't say anything weird waking up, much to the disappointment of Joe and Jenn.

Now I have back pain from the needle and also a headache anytime I stand up.  I'm loaded up on tons of tylenol.  Even though I'm in pain, I'm so thankful for Joe and Michelle and her daughter Alyssa who is playing "hide and seek" with me while I lay on the couch, by "hiding" and asking if I can see her.  All I have to do is yell "no." 

Anyway thanks for letting me tell all the sordid details.