Okay, so, I've decided if the five stages of grief are real, I am in the acceptance/denial stage (yeah, I know you think they are opposites.)
Acceptance - I spend time crying - really crying - about the things I might not get to have, that I long for.
Denial - And then I spend time planning how I am going to get those things RIGHT NOW and if I just try hard enough, I'll never even know that I have some physical limitations.
Both are supposedly "normal" responses...but neither are really wise to dwell in. I'm not resting. I'm not satisfied with just my Lord. Everyone else is praying for me - I don't pray, not even for me. I have probably never had this much prayer - even acquaintances are praying for me - but here my heart is so very focused on myself.
Worse, I'm focused on how others perceive my struggle. I'm trying to be honest, but I do deflect with humor, and I do feel self-conscious. Sometimes I don't mind the wheelchair and sometimes I really really hate it and feel sub-human. And I've been really open about this whole process so I feel like people expect some wisdom from me, or at least to be privy to all the things I'm going to.
I feel like more of a sinner now than I was before, probably because I'm forced to be alone with my thoughts.
I hate this house because we have two empty bedrooms and it is so quiet, and I have turned into a leech, practically begging people to come over. I hate that it is not only not clean, but it is not tidy. Things are in the wrong places and it's so hard to go around and put everything where it goes. I don't like using the wheelchair in the house if I can help it, it's bulky - plus we keep it in the garage and obviously I can't bring it in the house by myself.
My friend Heather (I know Angela and Becca know her; not sure about you, Candice) has really been helping, since she has gone through all of this, and then some. I even snapped at her last night when she encouraged me that I might start feeling better or have a remission soon and I was like "You don't know that!" Real Christian of me. I do have fears, fears I'm not even sharing yet because they might be paranoia, fears that maybe things are getting worse. And it's normal to have them but I must take them to the cross. I don't want to spend time with God. I have the time, my Bible is right here, the fire is going and it's cozy and I have tea and I have the next six hours alone, and I only want to sleep even though I'm not sleepy because that will block out the world for a few hours, and after that I'll eat junk food, and then I'll play computer games.
Sometimes I feel really thankful that I have use of my arms and my eyes and my brain and that I have so much help, and sometimes I'm just so freaking ANGRY and frustrated...seriously sometimes I think I have never felt such rage before, and I can't even kick something. I don't know what to do with myself. I know I have a spiritual problem but I'm being stubborn and don't want to fix it.
I totally get where you are coming from with not wanting to spend time in the word. When things get hard I often want to sleep and forget. The more time I have to do something the more I don't want to do it and put it off, ie reading the word. I confess I have been awful at prayer and reading my bible for months now. And I use every excuse in the book to justify it. And yes, sleeping is my favorite escape from the world , I get that. I would think you were abnormal if you weren't going through all these stages of grief. I wish I could come over and organize and clean , but there must be some reason God made you be diagnosed during the one time of my life i can barely keep my fridge full of food and house clean. It is increadibly humbling to have to ask for help all the time , and you seem to be taking it all in stride and doing so well. Just make sure you don't bury sorrow and frustrations, talk to joe or me or heather or any of us girls. I love you sister!
ReplyDeleteThanks for affirming me and loving me, sis! I know you would be over here helping out all the time if you were able - heck, you helped me even before I was diagnosed! I really love you!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty and sharing the things you are going through. I am right there with you when it comes to putting off bible reading and spending time in prayer. Something that seems so easy in theory, but never seems to happen. I am positive my days would go better if I just started to do this. I'm sure it would begin as a chore, and possibly stay one for quite some time...for some reason, reading the bible is hard after hearing it for so many years. Yet, how is it that I do plenty of chores every day which I justify as important, but this is not one of them?
ReplyDeleteI know you know this and are just sharing the way you feel, but I'm still saying it!
You are abundantly loved. God knows that we are simply made of dust and understands so much more than we do the things we are prone to struggle with.
There is so, so much we don't know about our lives, but there is still so much to hope for - even if it doesn't turn out being what we had in mind. I love you and wish I could help in more ways!
I wish I could come over! I find it so weird to be far (even though we've been apart most of our lives) while all this is going on. It's hard to picture you in a wheel chair because I know how much you love to accomplish things, and to have something hindering you from doing that is understandably frustrating.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you are sharing with us. You are going through some hard stuff and will for awhile. I've thought about you spending all that time alone. Facing who you are and spending time seeing who you really are is tough. I want to reiterate what Becca said, you are so loved. All that ugliness you feel and hate and good times, underneath all those feelings and emotions is an Amber that God has not given up on. He's got good plans for you because he loves you.
I just want to hug you Amber and do fun things with you. I miss you!